Just Dance

I've been doing a lot of whining lately about not being able to walk. The weather has been too cold.  With my immune system not up to par because of the tamoxifen and not being able to take some of vitamins due to the upcoming radiation, I've not wanted to risk catching a cold by going on my morning walks in freezing weather. And by the time I get home after school, I'm just so tired I'm not good for much other than sitting on the couch with a book.

I finally decided to stop whining and do something about it. (I was recently reading a young adult novel, that irritated me beyond belief because the main character kept whining but never made an effort to make things better. - Librarian listen to thyself!).  

So this morning, I moved away from the computer (gasp) and slipped the Just Dance2 game into the Wii. I managed to get almost a half hour of exercise in before the dog wanted out and the children had to be drug out of bed for school.

I don't know if you can dance away cancer, but you can at least dance away the blues that can come with the cancer - at least for a little while.  This morning, I feel better mentally than I have in weeks, maybe months.

I have to credit my oldest son with this sudden inspiration to dance the morning and the blues away.  Last night we let him have control of the TV for a little while.  His viewing choice was Glee.

Egads! I'm now a Gleek!

Last night's episode featured Gwyneth Paltro doing Joan Jett's (Gary Glitter's) Do You Wanna Touch Me.  I found myself doing my Walter Mitty thing again. (Don't know who Walter Mitty is? Click here.)  I'm not as skinny nor as tall as Gwyneth Paltro. And if I wore those heels I'd either get a nose bleed or trip over myself - probably both. But I can dream.

Cancer doesn't just invade your body. Even an "innocent" cancer like mine can invade your mood and your self esteem.  I've been so concentrated on taking care of myself physically, it never occurred to me that I needed to take care of my attitude as well.  Thanks Ryan for the boost.

Note to self - spend less time whining about things - spend more time laughing and dancing.

As for comparing myself to Holly Holiday - maybe not a realistic comparison. But with a little work, I can be that leather wearing, motorcycle riding, hot dancing and soon to be cancer-free librarian.  

I Wish I'd Known That - Tip #1

I've decided to start a list of tips I wish I'd known. Often whenever we say "I wish I'd known that" the time for the tip to help has passed. But maybe if I compile a list of things I wish I'd known they will be helpful to someone else.

Last night I finished reading another story from B.O.O.B.S.  I really felt for this woman. Robin was diagnosed with breast cancer within just days of her 50th birthday. What a birthday present! She also had several other chronic health issues that created challenges for her treatment. It made me realize yet again, just how lucky I am.

One thing I learned from reading her story that I wish I had known before -  had to do with finding a comfortable position to sleep in after my two lumpectomies.  I generally sleep on my side - my left side - THE SIDE. So after the surgeries getting in a comfortable position for sleep was a challenge.  I was too sore to sleep on my left side and sleeping on my right side felt odd.  Now that I've healed, it's not an issue for me, but Robin's tip can be helpful to someone else.

She discovered that holding a pillow between her breasts and lying on her "good side" made her more comfortable. She discovered this trick in Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book.  You can find out more about the book on Amazon. Or you can check back later for my review.

What do you wish you had known?

Making Adjustments

I previously talked about decreasing my caffeine intake to see if that would help decrease the hot flashes, dizziness and bouts of nausea I've been experiencing with the tamoxifen.  We've switched to decaf coffee at home. (Though I'm still drinking tea with caffeine.)  We'll see how that goes.  I'm also now taking the tamoxifen at night to see if it cuts down on the nausea during the day. So far, it just makes sleeping even more difficult than it normally is.

I'm also going to have to adjust my vitamin intake until after the radiation is done.  Some vitamins, especially antioxidants fight against free radicals.  Free radicals in the environment can damage all cells, but in the case of radiation they are focused on cancer cells. Antioxidants help keep free radicals from forming or if they do form, neutralize them.  (Breastcancer.org)

The vitamins to avoid: A, C, D, E and COQ10.  I normally take COQ10 and D3. I started these vitamins after I started going to the Metabolic Research Center to loose weight. Prior to taking these vitamins, if someone down the hall sneezed, I caught a cold.  After I started losing weight, getting more fit and taking these vitamins, my immune system (at least in regards to colds and flu) increased greatly.  One of the side effects of tamoxifen (yes it seems I learn of more each day) is an increased  risk of infection. People taking tamoxifen are cautioned to stay away from people with colds, etc.

I work in an elementary school - otherwise known as a germ factory.  And since Murphy runs my life, I'm sure that now that I won't be taking my immune boosting vitamins, I'll be sneezed on my by at least five children a day.

This will also impact my walking. I've been trying to work my way back into walking and exercise.  My goal is to get back up to walking at least once a day five times a week. (As it gets warmer, I want to walk twice a day).  With an increased risk of infection, that means no more walking when it's freezing outside.  Before the first surgery in January, I would get up at 5:00 a.m., put on three layers of clothing plus my coat, gloves and knit cap and take a quick walk around the neighborhood.  Now, when the alarm goes off, I check the temperature and if it's freezing or below, I skip the walk. I don't want to "catch" a cold.  Of course all of this (except for the tamoxifen) is temporary.  Once the radiation treatments have been completed, I can go back to taking all my vitamins. By that time, the weather will be warmer  - perfect for walking in the mornings before school.

I know I'm being sort of whiny about all this, but I wanted to talk about it today because these are things that I had not considered that I might need to change. Some of the information came from my doctor (not being able to take Vitamin E and COQ10), but other things  - tamoxifen lowering my resistance to infection and not being able to take Vitamin D during radiation, I found out by googling.   At every doctor's visit they always ask if I have any questions. I don't know if it's because by the time the doctor's visit rolls around I'm on information overload or what, but most of the time I can't think of any questions.   I always think of them later.    Fortunately, I do have Sharon, my BCN to help answer questions in between visits.

Hopefully, my droning on and on about all the changes I've been going through, will help someone else think of the questions they should be asking and/or point them in the right direction for information and support.

Exposed!

Today has been FRIGHTFUL FRIDAY! My regular life drama has intruded on my medical life.  Really, must I deal with drama and stress from all areas at the same time? Oh, yeah, I forgot, that's life.  I must put on my Big Girl Panties and Deal With It!

Today I had my radiation simulation appointment. It wasn't too bad. The tat's hurt. But not as much as I had anticipated. No - this does not mean I'm ready for a real tattoo.  The three I got today, maybe took a 1/2 second each, but  I'm not ready to face a needle for the length of time it would take to put a tattoo on my ankle. (Unless I can be totally knocked out first. Which of course means I have not totally ruled out a tattoo sometime in my future.)

I'm always looking for ways to deal with my needle phobia. Mostly, I just try to think of something else while getting stuck.  The room I was in  had a beautiful picture of a mountain -  I don't think it was Pike's Peak, (I'm committed to getting the perfect photo of Pike's Peak), but it was a nice picture. And I spent some time wondering how I could get a similar shot. That didn't last long. So I had to search for something else to occupy my mind.

And this is what my poor, overstressed, pathetic mind chose to occupy itself with: I found myself counting how many men I have exposed my breasts to since that fateful mammogram back in October of 2010.  They say that pregnancy cures you of your inhibitions as it does not allow room for being shy or being embarrassed about exposing yourself. Well, I can tell you a breast cancer diagnosis can do the same thing.

Since October I have exposed my breasts to 10 different men, maybe more as I do not know who saw them during surgery. I seem to remember before the diagnosis that a female nurse was always in the room for these sort of exams, but that hasn't been the case since October. I'm a very shy and modest person, so this is a strange feeling for me.  I do it because it's necessary, but when my mind actually has time to think about it, it does find it a little embarrassing.   But it's necessary. Cancer does not allow time for modesty.  At least I'm no longer worried about the cantaloupe/grapefruit scenario. Though, the radiation tech did tell me I still have a ceratoma. (I'm not sure about the spelling.)  It's a pocket of fluid, similar to a bruise - if I understand it correctly.  However, I am vain enough to worry about what gravity has done to me (that and the weight loss). And I do often panic for a moment wondering if I remembered to shave my armpits. It's America after all and not a European country.

There's nothing like a medical procedure to shatter your preconceptions.

Let's hope that after a Frightful Friday - which was the end of a week that began with a Miserable Monday, tomorrow will be a Soothing Saturday. (Forgive me. We've been celebrating Dr. Seuss this week in the library.)

Fundraising Update

I'm at 56% of fundraising goal for the June Rocky Mount Avon Walk. Thank you to all who have contributed.  I have 114 days to raise the require $1,800 for the Avon Walk and I will also be walking in the Denver and Colorado Springs Susan G. Komen walks.

Isn't this a fantastic shirt? The ribbon is taken from the picture that my youngest son, Patrick painted for me.  The wonderful people at Shirts Plus took his artwork and a quote I selected and created this wonderful design.

I am taking orders to help raise funds the three walks. My husband, Tony, is working on the Crew for the Avon Walk. Patrick wanted to be part of the youth crew, but due to a limited number of slots was not selected. He's too young to participate in the walk, but he's committed to helping me fundraise and train for the walks. What a Battle Buddy!

Here's information for ordering shirts
Prices:
Short Sleeve Shirts - $12.50 each (if you are in the Colorado Springs area).  Sizes are available in  Youth Medium, Youth Large, Adult Small, Adult Medium, Adult Large, and Adult Extra Large.  If you would like a ladies shirt, please add $1.  An XXL is an additional $1 and an XXXL is an additional $2.  Long sleeve shirts are available for $17.  $5 from each shirt goes to three walks in which I am participating.  The shirts are 100% cotton and pre-shrunk.

If you don't live in the Colorado Springs area but would like a shirt send me your zip code and I'll figure out shipping. I'd love to cover the cost of shipping, but my salary as a librarian just won't cover it.

If you'd like to donate but do not want a shirt you can do so online here at My Avon Walk Personal Page.

Poke, Poke, Poke!

I met with the radiologist yesterday to hopefully, finally get the schedule set for my radiation treatments.  Before we can set the schedule, I have to have a radiation simulation. That's where they get me "fitted" for the radiation and I get three little tattoos - three little dots to mark the spot. That way they will be sure each time they blast me with radiation, they are blasting the right spot.   Poke! Poke! Poke!

I'm sure my phobia of needles is silly to some people.  I admit a 46 year old woman terrified (and yes terrified is the right word) of needles does seem ridiculous.  But I can't help it. It doesn't matter how tiny the needle is, I still break out in a cold sweat when I see one. Oh great, cold sweats and a hot flash at the same time - that will be interesting.

I've been terrified of needles for as long as I can remember. My mother used to tell the story that my problem with needles came from the fact that the doctor who delivered me, gave me too many shots as a baby. According to mom, who was 16 when I was born, the doctor's nurse pulled her aside after one visit and recommended she find another doctor for me, as there was no need for me to get a shot every time I visited the doctor. The nurse said he was treating me like a pin cushion.

My mom often told this story, but she wasn't very sympathetic to my fears. I stopped crying when I got shots after she spanked me and grounded me for doing so at one visit. I was probably only 6 or 7 at the time.  The tears may have stopped but the fear and panic continue on to this day.  It's a miracle I ever managed to get my ears pierced. (Another joyful experience with my mom.)  It's the main reason I have never gotten a tattoo. My dear sweet husband would love for me to get a tattoo - he even joked on Facebook that I would be getting inked on Friday.  Oh, I think of getting a tiny tattoo on my ankle from time to time.  I even have one picked out.

I just don't see it happening.  I'm a wimp. I fret for days before a procedure involving needles.  I can usually "man up" enough to get through blood tests and IVs, but while everyone else is laughing, because they either can't believe I'm actually that freaked out about it or because I've been cracking jokes as a lame attempt to get through the whole ordeal - I'm doing mental lamaze breathing and doing everything I can to either not burst into tears or to run screaming from the room.  I'm not worried about my mother grounding me anymore, but I really would hate to embarrass anyone trying to help me.

So, if my math is right. I've got four more pokes coming - three for the radiation and one for the genetic blood test.   Maybe if I put on my Super Librarian suit, I can get through it without it being too mortifying.

Still Searching for Normal

On Sunday I was going to post about how good I felt because I thought I could just see normal around the corner.  I went for a morning walk. I have four routes around my neighborhood that I generally follow. There's the quick walk around the neighborhood that takes me past my son's middle school.  There's the slighter longer walk that I think of as a big rectangle.  There's the walk to the library - longer than the other two and has the advantage of an uphill walk on the way back that really gives my legs a work out.  And there's the LONG walk that I only do on weekends when the weather is nice. I've not clocked it yet, but I think it's at least a couple of miles and it takes me well over an hour to complete.

As I've been getting back into my walking routine I've been sticking to the quick walk, the one by the school.  I never seem to know when the dizzy spells will hit and I didn't want to get sick while walking. On Sunday, I decided to go for the slightly longer walk. I figured that if I did get sick, I could always stop and sit down if needed.  So off I went. I clocked it. It's 1.67 miles and it took me just over 30 minutes.  Yea! I didn't get sick. And I felt great.  Normal's just hanging out around the corner.

Well, Murphy (yeah that dang Murphy hang's out at my house way too much) was laughing at me.  On Sunday night we met friends for dinner, drinks and the hot tub.  Note to self: apparently tamoxifen doesn't like some drinks and doesn't think too kindly about hot tubs either.  Not only did I get sick, but I ended up hyperventilating and had the chills - that's a switch from the hot flashes. It was embarrassing and frustrating.

Yesterday, I could breath without scaring everyone, but I was exhausted, dizzy and still having random bouts of nausea.  At one point, I wanted to close my office door and crawl under my desk and just sleep.  I know, I could have gone home. The library would have still been there, but I'm trying to save my leave as I don't know how much, if any, work I'll miss due to the radiation. And my third graders are finishing up a research project. (I'm not a martyr - really - I just feel guilty when I miss work, because really - I don't think I'm ill enough to justify being out.)

This morning, I'm still feeling the after effects.  I've been nauseous since I woke up at 4 a. m.  That's a little different. Usually the nausea passes after a minute or two.

I did google the side effects of tamoxifen AGAIN.  This time I found out that it can cause weight loss - the first time I googled it, I found out it can cause weight GAIN.  Depending on which site you look at - alcohol and caffeine make the side effects worse or it can have no impact at all. And there's a whole laundry list of other side effects that I could experience. I hate reading those things. Because then I feel like my mind will play tricks on me and I'll think I have them, even if I don't. I guess I just need to keep track of what's happening to me. Everyone is different. My side effects might not be the same as someone else.  Over all, I'm still glad I'm taking tamoxifen and not going through chemo.

I guess the bottom line is that normal might just be right around the corner - but it's playing peek-a-boo with me right now. And I must remind myself once again, this is a marathon - not a speed race.

This weekend I'm going to try an experiment. I'll cut out all alcohol and caffeine for a week. I've read that for some women that can help with the hot flashes.  If it does, then I guess I'm going de-caf for the next five years. If it doesn't then I'm going back to full strength coffee.