Radiation Day 5

I am not dying of cancer. I am living with cancer ---- Unknown.


That was the quote at the beginning of the chapter I was reading in B.O.O.B.S. this morning.

My undergrad degree is in English/Art.  Just as much as I enjoy playing with photos, I enjoy playing with words/quotes.  Here's my version of that quote.  Feel free to quote me.

I am not dying of cancer. I am not living with cancer.  I am kicking cancer's butt! -- Beverly Archer

So even though I woke up cranky this morning, I am obviously in a better mood than last night.  I guess I don't handle fatigue too well.  A little bit of sleep, hearing from my wonderful Zeta sisters and a good friend from North Carolina and my perspective is back where I want it to be.

Today was Vampire Day!

That's right. I had to give blood. I won't know until Tuesday when I see the doctor if this will be a weekly thing. If it is, I hope that the young woman who took my blood this morning is always on duty. She was very good. Maybe I should see what her schedule is and only show up when she's there.

They also took an x-ray. I said this team was very thorough about monitoring everything. I am blessed to be in such good hands.  In the reading I've been doing, I've read some horrible stories where the medical team was not as thorough.   Kicking cancer's butt is going to take all my energy.  It's good to know that I don't have to question the expertise of those who are fighting this with me.

Radiation Day Four

As the old saying goes "I feel knee high to a grasshopper."

It's not just because I'm tired. Or because of the strange chills I've been getting or even the fact that I feel like some one put a heating pad in my bra. No. I'm feeling sorry for myself because I'm ashamed of myself for not being super woman.

I recently found out that an acquaintance has breast cancer. She hasn't told anyone. She only told me because she thought we might run into each other at the Cancer Center.  This woman is quite a bit older than I am, yet when she had her surgery she returned to work the following day. She is quite proud of the fact that she "recovers quickly." She spent a good bit of time going on about how she so's resilient that no one even knows she had surgery. She didn't even take any time off from work. She says that's just how she is. She doesn't know what all the fuss is about. She says she's already beat the cancer (she hasn't started her radiation treatments yet) and she doesn't need counseling.

I spent most of last night mentally kicking myself for beingn such wimp and a whiny one at that. If I had any doubt I'm a big baby, well after talking to her, now I know I for sure that I am.

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about what I'm going through. Does that make me whiny? It's not my intent to be whiny. I drone on and on about all that I'm going through because I thought that if I could talk about what I'm feeling (the good, the bad, the whiny - all of it) it might help others. A doctor can tell you about the challenges you'll be facing, but somehow it doesn't seem quite real unless you hear it from someone who has actually experienced it. That's why I've been reading so many stories about breast cancer survivors.

I wanted to find out way to do something for others (and I'll be honest, airing my fears and concerns - and my successes and blessings on this blog is helpful for me.)  Tonight, I just don't know. I know I'm rambling. It's been a long week. The radiation has zapped my energy more than I ever expected.

On Monday, I thought I was doing well, all things considered. But now I'm not so sure. I guess I'm just having one of those days. Maybe I'll be more rational tommorrow.

What do you think? Should people with an illness/disease keep it to themselves? Carry on as though it doesn't exist. Should we all be Wonder Woman or should we just concentrate on being human?

Radiation Day 3

Fortunately, today's appointment was another quick one and I could run home for another cup of coffee and post my blog before school.  (Today is going to be a long day - the Book Fair will run to 7:00 p.m. and based on the last two days, my energy will run out about 5:00 - just when I expect business to pick up - so I know that nothing will get blogged once I get home.)

I found this list on a literary blog this morning before I headed out to Penrose.  I thought it was good enough to share. And I've added the author's book to my to read list. Actually it was already on my to read list, but I think I might move it higher up the list.

Found at Chick Lit is Not Dead.  Ellen Meister is the author of  The Other Life.

CHICK LIT IS NOT DEAD PRESENTS: ELLEN MEISTER’S 5 DO’S AND A DO-OVER (I'm not posting the Do-Over. Though later I might post my own Do-Over. We all have them and sometimes, it might be good to air them out a little. But that's a post for another day.)

DO’S

1. Listen to your mother, no matter how old you are. She’s always right.

2. Leave the dirty dishes in the sink … to get up and dance … or make love … or take a phone call from a friend. The dishes will still be there when you’re done.

3. Say yes to the things that scare you. You will never regret facing your fears.

4.  Spend more time with the people you enjoy and less time with the people you don’t. Life’s too short.

5. Say “I love you” the moment you think it.

1. Those of you who know me know that I have never really followed this one - at least in regards to the woman who gave birth to me.  There are very good reasons for that - but I do listen to my surrogate mothers (my Granny, my Mom by Choice - Sue, and my mother-in-law - Patty. Sure miss her this morning.)

2.  Never had a problem with leaving the dishes to later, but I need to remember this in regards to when I need to be away from the library. As my principal often says - the library isn't going anywhere. The books will still be there when I feel better.

3.  I'm working on this one.  (No Tony, this doesn't mean I'm getting a tattoo - yet.)  Within the last year I have embraced motorcycle riding. And who knows, maybe someday I'll learn to ride on my own.

4.  I try to do this one as much as possible.

5.  This is one I truly believe in - tell the people who are important to you that they are - even if they already know that - it's nice to hear it voiced.

I hope you all have a wonderful day.  What's on your "DO" list?

Radiation Day Two

Curled up on the couch and snoozing just like this puppy - that was me last night. The only reason it's not me tonight is due to sheer stubbornness. I didn't think the radiation would make me so tired, at least not this soon. And I'm still not convinced that's what did it.  Yesterday I blamed it on the time change.  Today's fatigue could also be related to that.

Last night I was so tired, I never made it off the couch until the coffee pot turned on this morning.

After just two days of radiation, I shouldn't be having any side effects -right?  But the fatigue is not the only strange thing I'm feeling.  In addition to being just flat out exhausted by 5:00 p.m. the last two days, I now find myself freezing several times during the day. I mentioned that I'm cold natured.  Spring in Colorado can be chilling. But this is a strange chilliness. I feel cold from the inside out - if that makes sense. I'm not really sure how to explain it - except that when I get these chilly spells, I find myself wishing for a hot flash.  

Still, I wouldn't classify the fatigue as severe. That's one of the questions they asked me this morning - is the fatigue sever or mild?  Every week on Tuesday, after my radiation treatment (by the way I counted this morning - each blast takes between 17 - 20 seconds) I will get weighed, interviewed by a nurse and seen briefly by the doctor.  It's comforting knowing they will be monitoring me so closely.

One thing that is not comforting is that I have to get poked yet again.  They want to do a blood test this week so they can monitor my white blood count - again monitoring my white blood count was something I only associated with chemo. So this comes as another surprise. I didn't think to ask if this means they will be taking my blood every week.  (I swear sometimes I think doctors/nurses are really vampires in disguise.  A vampire bite might be less painful. After all, don't they have some natural pain killer enzyme that oozes out with the bite?)

On the bright side, Spring Break starts on Friday. And even though I won't be able to sleep in due to the early morning radiation treatments, I can at least take a nap.

That Was Quick

Today was my first radiation treatment.  Over the weekend I jokingly posted that it takes longer to get undressed than it does for the treatment.  Turns out it's not a joke.

My treatment is a Penrose Cancer Center - a wonderful place.  It's a civilian hospital of course. After years of dealing with military health providers, I'm well trained in showing up 15 minutes early (with a book of course, because with military appointments, you show up 15 minutes before your scheduled appointment and you are lucky if you see the doctor  30 minutes after your scheduled time.

Another person was scheduled ahead of me, but since she wasn't there, they went ahead and took me.  My appointment was 7:00 a.m. I was done by 7:03.

Because of my position at school - I'm a licensed librarian, working as a classified librarian - hourly and not allowed to go in early - I found myself back at home with a good half hour to kill.  That was unexpected.  I could have gone over to the pharmacy to buy the special cream they want me to use to help with skin irritation.  However the pharmacy doesn't open until 9:00 a.m.  Thankfully, they are open until 5:30, so I'll have time to run back by there after school.

So, how am I feeling after this first treatment?  Hyper aware. I know that any side effects would not show up 30 minutes after the treatment, but I feel as though I'm on alert for any twitch or hiccup.  I'm sure that will subside as I get into the routine.

Now, it's time for another cup of coffee and then off to school for the challenge of learning how to run a cash register for the book fair and hope the hot flashes don't cause me to sweat too much.  Turns out that I can't use deodorant under my left arm for the entire  6 1/2 weeks. Gross!  That will be another interesting side effect. Since taking the tamoxifen, I've noticed that the smell of my deodorant - one I've used for a long time - what is supposed to be a nice fresh powder scent - sometimes makes me nauseous.   With one side smelling sickly powder fresh and the other side like a Texas football player who just finished two-a-days no one is going to want to stand too close to me until May.  At least I'm doing this during March in Colorado and not July in Texas.

Sunday Ramblings

Last week, I decided to try some adjustments to see if I could get a better handle on the side effects from the tamoxifen.  I reduced my intake of caffeine and took the tamoxifen at night instead of in the mornings.

The only change I've noticed is that nausea seems to have passed, but I can't tell if that's because of taking the tamoxifen at night or because my body is getting more used to the medicine.  I do know that for some reason taking the tamoxifen at night seems to make sleep even more difficult than usual.  So I've switched back to taking it in the morning. It's easier for me to remember to take it in the mornings when I take the vitamins I'm still allowed to take.  When I was taking it at night I had to set an alarm on my phone to remember to take it, which only worked if I remembered to set the alarm in the first place.

As for reducing my caffeine intake reducing hot flashes - it didn't make a difference at all. In fact I think the hot flashes at night were worse. So I'm back to drinking regular coffee.  I'm very glad that Spring is almost here.  I know that warmer weather might make the hot flashes more uncomfortable, but at least I won't be burning up one minute and freezing the next.  I swear if I caught the flu right now, I'd never know it - I'd probably just blame my symptoms on the tamoxifen.

Tomorrow is the first day of radiation. Should be an interesting morning.

I picked up from the library Dr. Susan Love's Breast Book - Fully Updated and Revised 5th Edition by Susan M. Love, MD.  It's a door stop! It's almost as thick as my Norton's Literature Anthology from my college days.

The front cover has a blurb from the New York Times calling it "The bible for women with breast cancer."

It's 635 pages not counting the Appendixes.  I'll never get it read before it's due back at the library.  Maybe I better see if I can get a copy from Amazon.

Dry Run

This was me yesterday, going through my "dry run" for radiation therapy which will begin on Monday bright and early at 7:00 a.m. (Well, actually I didn't have as much covering me as this woman does, but you get the general idea.)

Recently I posted about having exposed myself to at least 10 different men (all in the medical profession) since that fateful mammogram in October.  Yesterday I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my radiation tech team is a trio of very nice ladies. (Sorry guys, you were all wonderful, but I'm just more comfortable with women.)

http://www.breastcancer.org/pictures/treatment/radiation/

The above picture is similar to my position for the radiation. Actually, both arms are above my head.  The radiation itself takes less than five minutes. It takes longer to set up - it takes longer to get undressed than it does for the actual radiation.  The room is rather cold.  Yesterday, I was so cold I found myself wishing for a hot flash just so I could warm up.

My radiation will be from Monday through Friday for six and a half weeks. Every Tuesday I will meet with my radiation oncologist, just to make sure all is going well.   I may or may not be able to wear deodorant under my left arm - certainly not during the five minute radiation.  I may or may not end up with a discolored breast, swelling, something like a sunburn (at least I don't think I'll get more freckles), fatigue, loss of appetite and a very minimal chance of lymphedema. (I didn't have any lymph nodes removed, so the chance of lymphedema is very remote.)  I will need to avoid hot tubs during the treatment. (Easy to do since the movers broke our hot tub to the point that it can't be fixed.) And I'll need to use a mild soap and a special cream that I can only purchase at the Penrose pharmacy.  

It is also recommended that I increase my intake of protein. There is some concern I might actually lose weight.  I found this surprising, as weight loss was not something I associated with radiation. I don't think that will be a problem. I think "not gaining weight" will be the challenge. My appetite is likely to increase as my body tries to heal during the radiation - but the weather is getting warmer so I should be able to go back to training for my Avon and Susan G. Komen Walks and my hike up Pikes Peak in August.

After having such a good day on Thursday, yesterday was a little set back as I found myself tired again - I had wanted to walk after school, but since I'd done the Wii that morning and I was so tired, I skipped it.  We're having a book fair at school - the first one where I'm the person in charge. I spent most of yesterday afternoon getting it set up - thank goodness my fellow teachers helped me get it finished before the day ended.

For the most part the week ended on a good note (a few worries I wish I didn't have, but that's life.) I think I'm actually mentally and physically prepared for the radiation treatment.  I'm human though - so don't be surprised to find me whining about how the early morning treatments cut into my morning routine.