Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Radiation Day 27

Just six more treatments and I'm done.  There's a light at the end of the tunnel and it's getting closer. I'll be glad for it to be over - and not just because my skin is getting very uncomfortable and not just because I'm still not sleeping well. (Truth be told, the sleep problems have been around for much longer than the cancer diagnoses.)  No, I'll be glad for it to be over because it's getting harder to handle the mood swings.  This medical emotional roller coaster makes it hard for me to deal with the other road bumps in life.

This has not been the best of days and it started out with my getting aggravated with myself on the way to radiation.  A while back I decided that if I could fight cancer I could handle almost anything. And I was going to stop not doing certain things because I was afraid. Case in point - my future tattoo. After I finally came around to the idea that a small tasteful tattoo might not be a bad thing - I kept resisting because I'm afraid of needles (and ok, I didn't want to be referred to as having a "tramp stamp", but who could have a problem with a tiny little book? It's rather literary don't you think?)

So, as I revealed in a previous post, I came up with a to do list.  (It's not a bucket list - I'm not dying.) It's a get off my butt and do the things I've been too afraid or too lacking in confidence to do.

One of the things on my list is getting a photograph published.  In order to do that I've got to take some really good photos.  This morning on the way to radiation, the moon over Pikes Peak was gorgeous and I had the camera.  But I was too hesitant about pulling over to the side of the road with all the traffic to try to get the picture. I did eventually pull over but by that time I had lost the great view.

I don't know what I was afraid of - not getting hit - I should have been able to pull over far enough out of traffic.  Did I think I would look stupid? So what! It wouldn't be the first time and certainly not the last time.  The point is I hesitated and I lost the shot.  So I was angry at myself.

Then I read a chapter that bothered me - that thing I've been stewing about - yeah, I've been stewing about it so long - you'd think it would have all dried up by now, but it hasn't and I'm still not ready to talk about it.  And the doctor I saw today didn't do a thing about the fact that I can't sleep past midnight or 1:00 a.m.  I've been feeling an anxiety attack coming on for a few days now and finally on the way to school - it hit full blast.  That combined with the fact that I've been fighting a cold or the flu since Saturday pretty much tanked the day for me.

Truthfully, I don't know if the radiation has anything to do with my mood swings.  I do know it's easy to blame them on the radiation.

Life is too precious to avoid things out of fear, whether it's fear of pain (tattoo) or fear of looking stupid (stoping on the side of the road to get that perfect photo.)  I know better and maybe someday I'll act on that knowledge.

In the meantime here are three photos I did get, which look a little better after I did some editing.

The Moon

Trees

Reading Statue at Penrose

1 comment:

  1. Lorraine DeClementeApril 19, 2011 at 4:40 PM

    Hey Bev,
    So here I was thinking that it was Monday so why else would you be a little down? But it is Tuesday so anyway, I am glad to see you here & only 6 more treatments to go! Sorry you missed the moon shot but that one you called Moon with the trees is really beautiful. You must definitely get that book tattoo! I am so glad that when I went to visit Carla in Vegas several years ago, I had my eye liner on top & bottom of my eyes tattooed! It is the best thing that I have ever done! Now, at my older age & with eyes not seeing too well, it is difficult to apply eye makeup but I do not have to as it is permanent!I think you can see it on my profile photo:) Happy Tuesday!

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