This morning is my last regular radiation treatment. Tomorrow the treatments will move from treating the whole breast to just concentrating on the area where they preformed the lumpectomy. After today just five more treatments.
You'd think I'd be more upbeat. Instead I'm having serious self esteem issues. I was no super model before the surgery/radiation and while I know my treatment has been kind to me in terms of not losing my hair and I've not suffered from lymphedema, I also know I haven't come out of this without any physical changes.
I was smart enough to have finally got healthy just before I was diagnosed. I think that losing so much weight is one of the things that made the early detection possible. But when you are a woman of a certain age and you lose 80 lbs, your skin isn't young enough to snap back. So, in edition to wrinkles and gray hair, I'm blessed with stretch marks, circles under my eyes and a couple of hideous scars. Radiation also causes swelling, so I'm back to being lopsided. (Though not quite to the cantaloupe/grapefruit ratio that I had going on right after the two surgeries. ) Oh and did I mention that lopsided French Riviera tan I have going on? Add to that the fact that I seem to have lost all sense of rationality makes me no prize these days.
As I was getting dressed this morning, I happened to look in the mirror and I frightened myself. It's a good thing we don't have students today or they would really think their librarian was from The Black Lagoon.
I'm not even sure what I'm rambling about this morning. More of that radiation/lack of sleep mood thing going on. I'm sure another cup of coffee and a nice long walk after school will do wonders for me. But first things first - time to head off for another laser blast.